If you're bored, then you're boring!

my jaw's broken.
it's cool.
it kinda hurts, but it's cool.

just answer this:
at age 17, how can one be so worn?

HEY!
I went surfing!
srdgfdskg;sfdg;sdg;fd!!!
Amazing!!!!!

and ow-ish- my arms are so sore but that's ok cause I was IN THE FRIGGIN WATER!
YAY

CB Blues

I sit on the ocean waves girl-body like a feather legs like a jellyfish as they dangle off my board skin pale as snow. The sun rises a variety of colors and I know it’s not just a ‘pretty sunrise’ but one with smog because I’m on CB and even the air is poisoned. It’s still beautiful. I still love it. God, I love it. It’s my poison, but at least I chose the right kind of poison.

CB is poison. Every person who has touched that beach has got it too. There are two kinds: the kind that saves the kind that kills. The latter is almost always the case, and I am reminded over and over again with the stories or the stragglers on the beach or Mark who asked: “save me?” but he was already too far in it…the poison penetrated his eyes and showed in those marks on his arm. He’s still around but not really only a phantom of him. It’s imminent with that kind of CB poisoning.



The other kind of poisoning, my kind, is rare. It’s not numb like Mark. It saves CB saves. CB says, ‘Ok, take care of me. Spend the night under my sect of stars. Feel my soft sand between your toes. Sense the sun infiltrating your skin. It’s my sun. But make me something more, and when you’ve done that, get out.’



If you stay too long, even that saving poison turns bad. As the old man by the pier that zombie guardian says, ‘temptation is a killer.’ It’s the only thing he really says. He was raised on that CB poison. His daughter escaped to some West Coast college but came back and now only sits beside him just as dead. She’s so beautiful. So lost.


Everyone in CB has a choice. The poison works its way through like water, engulfing anyone in its path. It’s inevitable. I always hope for the best, surfing with the CB kids there is hope sometimes. The beach calls out to its lost citizens crying ‘save me and I will save you!’ but most of the time it’s calling to the living dead.

Hahaha, well, that's a joke.

"What's wrong B?"

Her eyes are like glass and her nose is red. She looks too sad to be my little sister.

"My tower's broken. Everytime I try to fix it, another part breaks."

Come on, you're smart enough to figure out this ancedote.

We meet in the reference section. Before we know it, we crash and meld. It's the best tasting thing we've ever smiled. I whisper a secret, my secret, and it becomes our secret. We can only whisper it so we whisper it againandagainandagain. We forget about the complexity and find something more, something worth saving and keeping and molding from its delicate beginnings to something strong that'll last.

And we continue in this doomed sort of path, meandering in lovely fields but always finding our way back to the inevitable. And it'll be so good while it lasts that there will be no regrets.

Because I want to discover you and you want to discover me.

Because you want to discover you and I want to discover me.

Because we'll be loved and will love. There'll be nothing hidden between us, but we'll be hidden from the world.

BE SAFE.

That's all.

And resolutions:
1. Not suck anymore.
2. Stop wasting my time.
3. Learn to drive (without killing anyone).
4. Feel again.

I am such a waste.
Of everything.

Talent, intelligence, productivity, love, even hatred.
Devoid of passion.

Utterly bored and uncaring.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I regret not getting my license.
Because I need to breathe. I need to feel free.

I remember feeling free. I remember my second night back. We drove around CB, and as cancerous as that place is, us driving, windows down, music drifting in and out, casual talk and unwelcomed smoke rings brought us something, some sort of freedom. It was open and simple and everything that I need now. There were no secrets except the usual ones from the usual detectives but nothing hidden between the suspects.

As good as this life is, as good as love is, as good as friends are, as good as everything is, there is a problem. If only i could feel that freedom...i could find a solution.

i just really wish i wasn't socially retarded.
and i really wish i could break into the effin club.

bullocks.

christmas.

also i have a xanga i will probably be using more: vintage_vindictive

I really would like to make it effin clear that the gd holidays are so effin busy that i can't even get all of my snit done.

gd.

in other news,
well, there is no other news. because school is life right now.

gdgdgd.

school's crazy and i have no net but if truth be told i don't really miss it much minus talking to plaza people.

saw jack johnson, v. fun.

whence i have the net again i will have a big yummy update.

i hope everyone is doing ok!

ew.
with my last day with mum too. it sucks.

SO sore from yesterday.
but I managed a kong vault.
this is most excellent.